Life has given me a lot of questions. So has death. By death, I mean your death. In a way, I feel that I myself have directly experienced death because a part of me left when you left the world. Before you died, I did not think I would have to face losing a parent until I was at least 40.
Even with ignorance, I had back then, I still had a lot of questions about life. Why does suffering exist? How can people that are suffering be happy? How can someone feel fulfilled at the end of their life? 18 months ago, these questions became a lot more personal to me. I began to ask myself how I could ever be happy again.
I wondered every day if anyone could ever love me in the same unconditional way that you did. I held so much resentment towards the rest of our family. I did not think I could ever be fully happy again. I still do not know if I will ever feel full again, but I have come to find a lot out regarding the beginning to the answers to some of my questions.
Life is very heavy. I used to wake up and the first thing I would think is, Oh shit, my dad really is dead. I still do that now, but it is much less frequent. I remember it used to be unbearable at times. My room was my secret getaway. When I really wanted to get away though, I took my car out.
I would drive around for hours All I wanted to do was lay in bed. I was dreading going to work and did not care for anything I used to love to do. Everything I did felt so empty and meaningless because you weren’t there to see it or cheer me on. In a journal entry I wrote just three months after your death, I said, “Everything seems off without you here. I miss you endlessly and feel the most empty that I ever have in my life. I don’t know how the Earth can keep spinning without you here.”
I think that is still pretty applicable to how I feel. I felt that way for over a year until I met some new people that helped me to love life again and reminded me to appreciate the times we have with people who make us happy. That is one thing that I’m sure will never change the way I view life.
Because I have realized how temporary life is, I know how important it is to cherish every day and to try and connect with others on a deep emotional level, the way that you did.
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